God, what a depressing fucking day! You name it, I can't win.
The weather is cold, miserable, rainy crap. I was supposed to run 8 miles today. While I'm willing to run in the rain or snow or cold or heat... I draw the line at 35 degrees and rain/sleet/snow mix. It isn't slick, it's just tempting pneumonia or something. I can certainly put in the 8 tomorrow and the next 5 the day after -- that won't kill me doing it back to back, but I don't like taking two days off from running; not this close to the marathon.
I looked at the schedule and realized this weekend is supposed to be another 16-miler, not the 18 I remembered it being. So now a dilemma: do I do the 16 and try to discipline myself into not walking any of it? Or do I just go the whole 18? Probably I'll do the former and...if still feeling like I have two miles left in me, finish 18. I don't want to overtrain, but I do think that knocking out 18 three weeks in a row will be a huge confidence booster.
Other things have been crappy today, too. I'm bogged down in taxes, the middle of a lighting plot due Saturday, and also getting out letters for my June fundraising event. While combing through the new Alumni Report from my grad school (to update my address book); it just gets to be depressing, looking at all these over-achieving people my age or younger listing endless credits and accomplishments. Even the ones getting married and having kids rankle me. I used to be the over-achiever; what happened? My career-building definitely needs a kick in the ass.
On the other hand, when I do meet my cohorts, I notice that of the ones who no longer have that "hungry" look in their eyes -- who are working steadily, consistently, getting paid on the better end fo the scale -- well, they're still stressed. Their health is going downhill, they're gaining weight, getting grey, and obsessing over continual, constant work in order to feed their new families. I have to say that -- as far as basic issues of freedom, responsibilities, health, and general balance -- I'm pretty happy with much of my life. I may never be living in a penthouse or win a Tony -- but I'm fairly sure I'm not going to die of a heart-attack at 40.
I have no food in the house. Now I gotta get into my raingear and go to the grocery. Damn. When will that new grocery they just broke ground on 1 block from my house be done??